[Note: the following is taken from a short letter that I wrote to my parents around September, 1997, in response to a book they had requested I read on the subject of becoming an "ex-gay"]

What does it mean to be a homosexual that one could ever be said to leave it behind? In Coming Out of Homosexuality: New Freedom for Men and Women, authors Bob Davies and Lori Rentzel fail to make the case that "Both the Scriptures and much secular literature provide evidence that homosexuality, though deeply ingrained and habitually practiced, can be overcome—both as a lifestyle and as an identity" (p. 20).

It is very sad to read Bob and Lori’s personal histories, for we quickly come to realize here are two people so terrified of their homosexuality that they will spend the rest of their lives "on the run", deluding themselves and others that change is possible, let alone desirable. Unfortunately for those who want to be "cured" of their homosexuality, Bob and Lori have nothing to offer beyond bad advice and anecdotes.

Despite their anecdotal claims to have found the queer-antidote, what Bob, Lori and others in the "ex-gay" ministries occasionally accomplish is a "lifestyle change" that is built on a lot of guilt-driven hype and an "identity change" that isn’t apparent but must be maintained by faith—faith that one is heterosexually "new in Christ", despite all the daily evidence to the contrary.

This is illustrated by Bob’s amazing statement that "We may still be tempted homosexually, but that doesn’t make us gay or lesbian. Our identity in Christ is not defined by the things that tempt us" (p. 95). Without changing his sexual orientation one bit, Bob simply defines himself out of homosexuality by slyly switching a weaker term, "identity", in place of "orientation", then by faith claiming a new identity in Christ.

To understand Bob and Lori, one must realize the authors’ case is built on an irrational foundation: Homosexual behavior is pre-determined to be a sin of such colossal proportions that no amount of biblical, sociological, scientific, philosophic or psychological evidence to the contrary will even dent their literalist misconceptions of biblical truth.

Consumed in their "don’t bother me with the facts" search for biblical truth, Bob and Lori have no room in their minds for the bigger search for Truth itself. Again, Bob and Lori’s problem is that their God is smaller than their Bible, leaving their Creator locked in words they poorly understand and easily misconstrue—God cannot teach them anything that isn’t already in their world view.

This is illustrated by Bob’s resolute determination as an 18 year old college freshman that he was to trust his conscience over all others, saying, "No matter how much time I spent reading why homosexuality was an acceptable option for the Christian, I would never be able to believe it" (p. 21). Bob is gay and he’s running for his life.

Upon such an irrational foundation Bob and Lori’s case is built as they collect fragments of "evidence" that are weaved together into a hideous looking caricature of honest scholarship. As Bob states, "Ultimately, we believe that further studies will confirm what we already know…." (p. 25, emphasis mine). Bob already knows everything and is just waiting for the rest of us to catch-up! Bob’s world is still flat and his Bible says he’s right.

Turning to Bob and Lori’s collection of anecdotal "evidence", the facts are that these stories just don’t hold up to scrutiny. In fact, it’s Bob and Lori’s own words that provide all the evidence necessary to destroy their case as they occasionally slip-up and basically admit that "ex-gays" are not ex-anything! Enjoy the following examples:

First, "ex-gays" are not sexually attracted to women. "Most ex-gay men do not struggle with sexual temptation for women in general, at least not the strong visual attraction experienced by most straight men" (p. 162).

Second, few "ex-gays" go on to get married. "The majority of former homosexuals are single, even those who have been out of same-sex immorality for many years" (p. 179).

Third, marriage doesn’t solve anything sexually. "There are probably few people in deeper misery than those who have married with the hope that a loving spouse would deliver them, once and for all, from the struggles of homosexuality. Unfortunately, marriage is not the solution to gay or lesbian struggles" (p. 166).

Again, "ex-gays" do not find their heterosexual spouses to be sexually satisfying. "We have talked to many people who are married and still struggling with homosexual feelings and behavior" (p. 27).

Furthermore, "ex-gays" are not sexually aroused by their spouse’s body. "Ex-gay men may not feel an overwhelming physical attraction to their future spouse….Ex-gay men who are happily married usually enjoy sex with their wives, but the majority [all but one in the survey cited!] do not experience sexual arousal solely by looking at their wife’s body" (p. 162).

Guess what Bob, your "ex-gays" are still gay! Some married, yet are not attracted to their wives bodies, and others have gone on to become "Ken dolls" like their de-sexualized Jesus. The reason we cannot "come out of homosexuality" is that homosexuality is not some sort of bad habit that one sets out to eradicate; rather, it is who we are to our very core. Like Bob and Lori, one can simply declare oneself to be heterosexual but what’s the point? 

At the end of the day there is only one bottom line: "ex-gays" are still gay!